I hit a moment two nights ago where we starting using the actual pill bottle and pills for H Mac's attempted suicide. I was a tad worried, just because knowing me I would totally choke and for real die on a tic tac of all things. I mean what a way to go right? We got to the moment though and having the pill bottles in my hand, feeling the tangibility of them and the act of putting them all in my mouth and looking into the mirror to decide whether or not to swallow them was a pretty intense and a little too real feeling.
The terrible thing about though, is that moment in and of itself was hilarious. These pills were stuffed to the brim in my mouth, and one by one they began to fall and plink against the floor. I lost my shit. Not just laughing, but sobbing. It shuttered the show to a stop for a moment. While myself and Anna tried to get ourselves back together.
The mixed emotions followed me backstage and it took me quite a few minutes to get it together. With the tangible pills it was the first time the moment clicked in my mind. The frustration that Heather is feeling. She exposes her soul only to have her best friend who has turned into a monster turn on her. In that moment she's lost everyone. Her other best friend and her boyfriend among them. She feels worthless and that's only amplified by the fact that she's too stupid to even get the pill bottles open.
The writer did an excellent job building all of these elements together for H Mac and it so easy to get into the frustrations and childish feeling that she's going through, and get to a point of declining self worth that taking the pills really does seem like the only option that H Mac has, even though she's too scared to really do it.